Remembering Why

Einstein was really onto something with that theory of relativity. Each class has felt forever long, each day moved so incredibly slowly, yet this whole week seems to have passed in a blur. Today itself was pretty good. My body is feeling great (comparatively), my heart is happy, and my weekend is here. As I was thinking back on this past week, it occurred to me that I remember being told by a dance teacher sometime that you don't remember the pain of dancing, you just remember the fun parts. Alas, that has not been true for me. One of my first memories that comes to me when I think of the intensive last year was pouring alcohol on my blisters. I can't forget that kind of pain.

As I look back on this week, I remember a lot of pain--legs shaking uncontrollably, feeling my toenails bruising, blisters popping, muscles aching, headaches from the weight of my cinnamon bun, and indentations from tying my ribbons to tightly. I also remember the fun parts--the feeling of weightlessness in a grandjete, landing that perfect double that had a nice balance at the end, and laughing at mistranslations/mispronunciations.

But I absolutely do remember the pain, and I think it's good that I do. Pain makes you consider carefully the actions that are causing so much hurt. If it hurts, you have to think, at some point, "Is it worth it?" Thus, this week I've asked myself, "Is ballet worth the pain?"

No.

Ballet is absolutely not worth the pain it requires. I cannot comprehend why people can push themselves through so much, to just walk away with feeling weightless, or balancing for a long time. There are plenty of other ways to experience weightlessness/balance without putting yourself through the sacrifice ballet requires.

Obviously, however, if ballet itself isn't worth the pain, then there must be something else that makes this sort of insanity worth it. For some, I suppose, it's self-expression or freedom that makes ballet worth it to them, but that really doesn't cut it for me. I can express myself many ways that involve considerably less pain than ballet.

Thus I conclude, ballet itself is absolutely not worth the pain, but my relationship with Jesus absolutely is. And I experience him most intimately when I dance, thus the pain of ballet is worth the enhancement and personalization of my relationship with Jesus. And seriously, the hurt my toes feel is absolutely nothing in comparison to the pain he willingly underwent so that he could be near to me. I can't even call it meeting him half-way--I know I could never do that. But ballet does allow me to reach up to him, and he infallibly reaches down to lift me up and remind me of his unconditional love. Everyday, when I walk into class and put on those pointe shoes and think, "Why do I do this?", I can remember, "Oh yeah. I do this because I am closest to my God when I'm dancing." And that's worth anything.

This past week in particular, I've been blown away by his faithfulness. It shouldn't be a shock anymore, but I am still amazed in all the ways he's provided for me. He's protected my body, provided great friends to laugh and enjoy spending time with, he's made sure I've had rides home when I need them, helped me find things in a frantic search, he's comforted me daily, and given me strength. And to think I was worried that this week would be too much for me to handle. Psh. I know, as he's proven time and time again, I know I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength.



This is a lyric from a dance I did a few years ago, and this verse has been playing through my head all week as it has been so incredibly true:
I can't remember a trial or a pain, he did not recycle to bring me gain. I can't remember a single regret in serving God only and trusting his hand. All I have need of, his hands will provide. He's always been faithful to me.